im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
