I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
