I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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