Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
