clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
