thus making me awesome and them whores
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
3 2 1 whiskey
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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