I think I won the penis lottery.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
