Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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