I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
