thus making me awesome and them whores
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
