is your mom at the bar?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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