I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
