"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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