I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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