I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
