nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
