Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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