oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just took my morning after pill in the library
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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