he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
