I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
