It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
