Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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