i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
