my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
