He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
