I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just had sex on a roof
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
