Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
