We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
