when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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