Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
