i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
