So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
