you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
