for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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