I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
