The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
