Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
