I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yo dont text me then not text me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize