White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
