its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
