I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
