DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
