no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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