Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
