he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
