Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
