So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
