She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
