meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
