I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
