I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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