It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
