He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
