Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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