My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize