and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
