If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
