Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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