i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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